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Monday, July 23, 2012

untitled


I feel so confused. I feel lost. I feel as if I have no solid foundation. I feel like one being tossed by the waves of the sea. I should have joy. I should see and savior Christ in all things. But I do not. I was reading the Psalms this morning and I was draw back to an old verse. It is where David is talking about the Lord having put him in the pit. David is lost, he is down, he is in despair. And he sees God hand in it. That is what I need to keep remembering. I need to know that it is God that has placed me where I am. He has put me here. He is the one who gives joy. I ask and I fight...But I still do not have it. My days are spent in tears. I feel like a failure. I see how much I miss the mark. Sin is a term that those in archery use. It is used when they miss the target. It is used when they miss the mark. My life is so full of sin. And the weight is heavy. It’s not so much sins that I have been doing. But sin in the sense of missing the mark. It is true that Christ has paid the price. He is my God. He has made me holy. I know that. That is the only reason that I am able to keep going. That is truly my one and only hope. I have placed every single ounce of my imperfect faith in the Cross...That gives me strength to fight. That gives me hope. But the fight I fight is so weak. It is so half-hearted. It is not fought well. I miss the mark. I have been growing cold. I have been failing and falling. It’s hard to go on. It’s hard to fight. I want to be like the athlete that paul talks about. Paul talks so often in terms of sports and games and uses those as pictures of the Christian life. He pictures it in terms of training, of discipline, of running. He talks about pummeling the body into submission. He tells us to master sin. He tells us to run well. He says run to win. I started running awhile ago. I set goals. I was running. But it has stopped. My training has ended. I don’t care for it anymore. I have lost the will power to do it. I just don’t want to do it anymore. I grew tired. I stopped. I failed. In work,,,I don’t work the way I should. I don’t work unto the Lord. I work. I don’t do it well. I don’t work hard. I don’t work the way a Christian should work. It bothers me. I miss the mark. I failed. I am overweight. I have not lost weight. I have let my desires for food overcome me and drive me. I lost the battle to my body. I missed the mark. I failed. I look at the time I spend in the word. I don’t spend enough. I don’t know it the way I should. I’m not involved the way I should be. I don’t serve the way I should serve. I don’t know how to shake all this and not let it bother me. These are things that I should have victory over. I should be able to work unto the Lord. I should be able to control my desires. I should be able to be disciplined. I should be able to do things and not let my emotions control me. I should be able to live in the knowledge that Christ has done all things for me and made me more than a conquerer. Yet I feel the weight of what I should be doing and what I don’t do and it hurts. I hurts me that I fail so badly. I just want to make Christ look good and I feel like I cannot even do that. I have a heart that is full of evil and hate. I get angry. I lack a good attitude. I write blogs that do nothing but complain about how much I suck. Do you see what I am getting at? I don’t know what to change. If I did, I would. I just want to live well. I want to know that do that the right thing. I want to do things well. I want to do things with a right motive and a right heart. But I don’t. I miss the mark. Someone once told me that depression is nothing more than making one bad choice after another until you have spiraled downwards into depression. The flip side to that is...To get out of depression you need to start making right choices. I feel like I car stuck in the snow...Spinning my wheels. I get tired. I don’t care. But I know I need to get out of the snow. But I sit. I might turn the car on...Spin the wheels some more. I don’t go anywhere, so I turn on the radio for a bit. I try again. Then I don’t care. Then I’ll write about it. Then I think about it. Then I try a little more... I don’t know. Now I feel like I am rambling. I don’t have solutions. I just know that my emotions lie to me. They hold me in bondage and my feelings play with me. But I can’t do things on sheer willpower alone. And once again...I’m driven back to the cross. I driven to seek Christ. I am starting to feel and understand a little of what Jesus means when he says “Blessed are those who mourn.” “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteous.” So in that there is a blessing. I have never in my life taken my sin so serious. I have never felt the burden of it so much. It has never made me mourn the way that I do. My hunger and thirst for God and Christ has never been greater. I have never had to turn so often to Him. So for that I am thankful and I guess my prayer would be that God keeps me in the pit. When you are in a pit there is but one way to look. You can only look up. That is the way out. My prayer would be that God does whatever it takes to refine me and draw out my dross. If that means several seasons of darkness...I’ll take them. I’ll struggle and fight for joy in those seasons. If it means having to learn to do battle in a hard environment...I’ll do it. If there is more to come...I say bring it on. Lord break me. Destroy me. Do whatever you need to do. If it is loss of health, or family, or wealth, or loss of dreams and desires, if it is loss of what I want to do. I’ll take it. You are God. I am not. You hold my very life in your hand. If you took your breath away I would turn back into dust. I trust you. You are God. You are good. You are my salvation and my strength.

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