There was an error in this gadget

Monday, July 23, 2012

Thanksgiving Day

So...I need to go back and read my own post. Why is it that often times it is easy for me to write and understand God and his provision but so hard for me to actually feel and live it? I guess you could argue that I really don't understand God and his provision but I think I do. I confess it. I love it. But trying to live it is a whole different story. I get depressed alot. I really do. I struggle almost everyday with depression. I find it hard to have joy. I find it hard to share in the excitement of others. I find it hard to get up in the morning. I find it hard to keep going. I have lost interest in things I used to like and get excited about. I find it hard to work, I find it hard to study, I find it hard to live. Piper has a book called "What to do when I don't desire God, or How to fight for joy." I feel like I am engaged in this battle all the time. My soul is tired. I feel like I can nothing. I feel like a failure. I feel like I have lost. I know there is hope. But I don't often live as if there is hope. Piper points out that joy is something has to come from God. There is nothing I can do to have it. It is a gift from him. I know one day it will come. Yet the weight of life feels so heavy sometimes. Well...actually most of the time. It's not like my life is horrid and awful. It's a good life. But for some reason it feels heavy. I really have no reason for feeling the way I feel. Yet I do. It bothers me I don't have more joy. It bothers me that I do not have more discipline in my life. So I try and turn to the things I have. I have Christ. What more do I need? I should need nothing else. Christ should produce in me joy. Yet it is not there. So I wonder if I am a Christian. That wondering last for a moment. I have hope and faith no where else but Christ. I live for him and strive to serve him. So I know I am Christian. So I look at my life and wonder what I am doing wrong. What have I not been doing? What have I done wrong? Do I really feel depressed or am I just looking for sympathan from someone? Do I just want attention? I really have no idea... All I know is that I feel like I lose the fight for joy. I feel like I let moments in life control me. I have so much to be thankful for...I try and keep my head in the Word of God. I try and surround myself with music that is full of the message of Christ. I go to Chuch so I can get the word preached to me. I have been getting involved in ministry so my life becomes about serving others and not myself... Yet the depression stays. It dose not lift. It affects me. It plays havoic with my head and heart. I have to remind myself that God is in charge. I have to work to lay aside all I feel to praise God for the depression and sadness...I work at fighting it. Yet it says. I feel like I can do so little. I feel like I am stuck. I feel like I am waiting to be delivered. But scripture tells me I have been delivered. Yet I don't feel this deliverence. I feel trapped. I fight sin. I do. I am painfully aware of the sins I face. The worry, the impatience, the lust, the hate, the lack of trust. I feel the weight. And I also know that it has been lifted. It is such a struggle. One day...One day the cloud will be lifted. I find hope in knowing that the great heros of the faith have suffered the same thing that I am. Luther struggled with it. I guess that is the great thing about it...It drives me back to the word. I have to cling tightly to it. It is my hope. It is the only place I find any comfort. So on this Thanksgiving day...I am thankful for God's word. I am thankful for his salvation. I am thankful for the cross.

No comments:

Post a Comment