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Monday, July 23, 2012

Blue Day


•05:04 pm I suck. I am a failure in all I do. I eat too much, sleep to much, sin to much, hate to much, fail to much. The only thing I do well is suck. I hate myself. In every possable way, I hate who I am. I'm getting tired of life. I'm tired of failing. I feel as if I do not change. I see myself and know that there is a monster inside of me. I cry and pray for God to change me...Yet I stay the same. Is God unfaithful? No....I am the one with the problems. The more I am in the word, the more I see my failures and my short commings and the more I hate myself. There is nothing good inside of me. This should nuture humility right? All it seems to bring on is anger and hate. It tends to drive me into depression. It tends to make things look even more hopeless. My faith is so weak. I can't even have a strong faith. I know that all that I want must come from God. Yet I feel so empty. I feel so far from where I want to be. I beg and ask for grace. Yet it is still not here....How I want this horrid little life to some how give God glory...Yet I worry that the only way my life will show the greatness of God is that he will show his wrath torwards me. He will get to show his judgement towards me. And He will be just for doing so. I will not be able to speak against him in doing so. Lord...Change my wretched life. Change it. I have such a storm brewing in my life. I feel as if every day is a battle where I fail. Teach me what to do. Teach me how to live in your grace. I need your grace. I need it so badly...

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